I struggle with being honest with myself.
I have been too busy trying to be somebody else. Trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be.
Listened to their music, dressed the way they did, watched what they watched, ate what they ate. Looking over my back, hoping no one noticed that I was a fraud.
I can look back and see that I was sick then, and that I don't have to be anyone else. I can do what I like to do, be friends who I want to be friends with, and be honest with myself and others. And the relationships that pop up are pretty amazing<3
I still second guess myself often, but am getting better at not. Because as long as I keep things clean on my side of the street, its none of my business about what others do to or think of me.
Learning to trust is also something hard for me. But I will never give up, because I love life too much now.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Life is a beautiful struggle
Macklemore "Life is a beautiful Struggle". In his song, Make the money, if you look past the lyrics. This is how I view the song. A story about someone who was stuck in addiction. And how we focus on money, as a means of power and happiness. Putting so much pressure on himself that he could not be free. Until he could let go.
I listened to him at the end of my addiction phase. Realizing, and know knowing - That judging someone with an addiction, shunning them, and forcing them to stop,will not work. They need to be ready, I needed to be ready.
Than after you put the addiction down, you have to deal with the pain, the past, everything you have been running from. "I had to face the man in the mirror so I could learn how to love him"- Because most people, including me, couldn't face myself in the mirror. It was just too hard. To face reality, after running from it for my whole life.
And also being aware that you have to remember where you came from. That you are no better than they are. You are no worse than they are. You are equal. Stand up tall and high, and teach society - and the younger generation about the real world. The dangers, and how they can make better decisions. Also letting them know, I have been there, and am no better than they are. Spread the word all over the place.
I have been through hell and back. But I am no better or no worse than any other human being in this world. That is what God has taught me.<3
I had a very amazing friend, that God placed in my life. We have been through a lot together. And remained friends. Which is a huge blessing. She stuck with me through the good and very bad. She held my hand in the darkness, when no one else would probably be able to stand it. She inspired me, to do the same for others. It was her unconditional love/which was God, who allowed me to take those steps into recovery.
Ever since I have been in recovery- When i chose to open my eyes to the blessings, I see how perfectly construed things are - Even at the worst of times. Sometimes I have to wait out the storm, before I can see the blessings. Its all God for me - He does the work.
I listened to him at the end of my addiction phase. Realizing, and know knowing - That judging someone with an addiction, shunning them, and forcing them to stop,will not work. They need to be ready, I needed to be ready.
Than after you put the addiction down, you have to deal with the pain, the past, everything you have been running from. "I had to face the man in the mirror so I could learn how to love him"- Because most people, including me, couldn't face myself in the mirror. It was just too hard. To face reality, after running from it for my whole life.
And also being aware that you have to remember where you came from. That you are no better than they are. You are no worse than they are. You are equal. Stand up tall and high, and teach society - and the younger generation about the real world. The dangers, and how they can make better decisions. Also letting them know, I have been there, and am no better than they are. Spread the word all over the place.
I have been through hell and back. But I am no better or no worse than any other human being in this world. That is what God has taught me.<3
I had a very amazing friend, that God placed in my life. We have been through a lot together. And remained friends. Which is a huge blessing. She stuck with me through the good and very bad. She held my hand in the darkness, when no one else would probably be able to stand it. She inspired me, to do the same for others. It was her unconditional love/which was God, who allowed me to take those steps into recovery.
Ever since I have been in recovery- When i chose to open my eyes to the blessings, I see how perfectly construed things are - Even at the worst of times. Sometimes I have to wait out the storm, before I can see the blessings. Its all God for me - He does the work.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Starting a new begining .....
I have been struggling in my life for as long as I can remember. With periods of good times in between. Honestly I did not have a horrible life, even if some things happened that I would rather forget.
The point is, regardless of what trials I have been through, as everyone has trials they go through, I need to change my life around for me. So that I can take care of myself, my family, and to be a good friend and member of society. So that I can treat others the way that God would want me to treat them.
I am guilty of being selfish, angry, emotional, flighty, and impatient. I honestly hate that side of me. But the other side of me (the one that God would want me to show) I am funny, compassionate, caring, insightful, fun, hard working, selfless, and beautiful.
I have chosen to write about my life, to help myself learn more about how I need to grow. And to hopefully help others as well. Helping others is very important to me. It helps me. I sometimes think a little too much about what I am going through, and loose sight on what is really important. Helping others.
Lately I have been trying to become more spiritual, as I believe that is the only way I can overcome the obstacles I face every day. I believe it is a way to set yourself free. And also a way to be a better person all around. But I struggle with my spirituality quite often.
So I will post many scriptures and things I have learned day to day. Not just to share with others, but to remind myself of what I have learned. That way I can go back and read it, to remind myself of what I have already learned. If you are not spiritual, no worries, as I used to not be myself. And still struggle with it too!
I would like to say I am the type of person that falls down a lot, before I learn from the mistakes I have made. I guess you would call that insanity. Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Amazingly after 28 years, I still make some of the same mistakes. However I have come a long way as well.
The point is, regardless of what trials I have been through, as everyone has trials they go through, I need to change my life around for me. So that I can take care of myself, my family, and to be a good friend and member of society. So that I can treat others the way that God would want me to treat them.
I am guilty of being selfish, angry, emotional, flighty, and impatient. I honestly hate that side of me. But the other side of me (the one that God would want me to show) I am funny, compassionate, caring, insightful, fun, hard working, selfless, and beautiful.
I have chosen to write about my life, to help myself learn more about how I need to grow. And to hopefully help others as well. Helping others is very important to me. It helps me. I sometimes think a little too much about what I am going through, and loose sight on what is really important. Helping others.
Lately I have been trying to become more spiritual, as I believe that is the only way I can overcome the obstacles I face every day. I believe it is a way to set yourself free. And also a way to be a better person all around. But I struggle with my spirituality quite often.
So I will post many scriptures and things I have learned day to day. Not just to share with others, but to remind myself of what I have learned. That way I can go back and read it, to remind myself of what I have already learned. If you are not spiritual, no worries, as I used to not be myself. And still struggle with it too!
I would like to say I am the type of person that falls down a lot, before I learn from the mistakes I have made. I guess you would call that insanity. Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Amazingly after 28 years, I still make some of the same mistakes. However I have come a long way as well.
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